Some relationship problems can be worked through. Others are warning signs that signal serious danger ahead. Ignoring these red flags can lead to years of pain, dysfunction, and heartbreak.
Today, we're discussing seven critical red flags in relationships that you just can't ignore. If you see these warning signs in your relationship (or in someone you're considering dating), pay attention. These aren't minor issues. They're foundational problems that threaten the health and longevity of any partnership.
Let's get into it.
Red Flag #1: Different Spiritual Directions
Where are you going?
If you're going one way and they're going another, you have a fundamental problem.
Biblically speaking, Amos 3:3 asks, "How can two walk together unless they agree?"
Often in relationships, one person may be going north and the other going northeast. At first glance, it looks like you're heading in the same direction. But over time, your paths separate. The distance grows. And eventually, you look up and realize you've "grown apart."
But here's the truth: You didn't grow apart. You had different goals. You were headed in different directions from the beginning.
With relationships, you first have to agree on the vision. If you don't have one vision, you'll experience division. And too much division leads to divorce.
The sad reality? In some relationships, people get together knowing they're unequally yoked. They know from the start that God isn't at the center of both their lives. And then they expect the marriage to succeed without God in the middle of it.
Why do people get together when they're unequally yoked?
Several reasons:
- Fear of being lonely
- Fear of not being in a relationship
- Wanting security
- Not trusting God to provide the right person
- Settling because they think this is the best they can do
The bottom line: When you settle for someone unequally yoked to you, you're going to have problems.
Why Spiritual Alignment Matters
If you're dating someone who doesn't attend church, who's not in ministry, who doesn't prioritize their relationship with God, and you really like them, ask yourself: Do I like them enough to drag them to church for the rest of my life?
Because that's what it will be. Dragging them here. Dragging them there. Trying to convince them to care about what you care about. Before you know it, it becomes too much.
The solution? Make sure before you get far down the road that you believe the same main things.
You don't have to agree on everything. You don't have to be perfect. But you have to have agreement on the big stuff. And faith is one of the biggest.
If you don't share the same spiritual foundation, the choices you make based on your belief system will eventually run into a brick wall.
Red Flag #2: No Fear of Authority (Especially God's Authority)
If you don't have a healthy fear of God, you're not going to want to obey what His Word says about marriage.
And if you don't want to follow biblical principles for marriage, how are you even going to structure your relationship?
Think about it:
- If you don't believe you should love your wife as Christ loved the church, how do you work on sacrificial love?
- If you don't believe you should respect your husband, how do you grow in honor and submission?
When someone has no fear of authority, they think they can do whatever they want without consequences.
They think they can:
- Cheat and be forgiven without real repercussions
- Lie and smooth it over with apologies
- Disrespect boundaries because "it's not that big a deal"
- Live however they want without accountability
But here's what they don't understand: Even if your spouse forgives you, there are still consequences. God is the ultimate judge. You will reap what you sow.
A healthy fear of God creates:
- Accountability
- Self-control
- Respect for boundaries
- Understanding that actions have consequences
- Desire to honor your spouse because you honor God
Without a healthy fear of authority, a person becomes dangerous in a relationship. They feel entitled to do whatever they want because they don't believe anyone (including God) will hold them accountable.
Red Flag #3: Different Priorities
What's important to you may not be important to them. And that creates conflict.
Examples:
- Family is more important to her; career is more important to him
- He values financial security above all; she values experiences and adventure
- She wants to prioritize the kids; he wants to prioritize the marriage
- He wants to live near his family; she wants to move for career opportunities
Here's the key: Your priorities need to line up to an extent, or someone needs to be willing to compromise.
Not everyone who's career-driven will want to drop everything to be a stay-at-home parent. But sometimes, when you experience real love and marriage with someone God sent you, your heart changes. Your priorities shift. What once seemed non-negotiable becomes flexible.
But it has to be God who changes hearts. You can't change a person. Only God can do that.
If you're dating someone whose priorities are fundamentally opposed to yours, don't assume they'll change once you're married. That's a recipe for disappointment and resentment.
Ask yourself:
- Can I live with their current priorities?
- Am I willing to compromise on mine?
- Are we both open to God shifting our hearts over time?
If the answer is no to all three, that's a red flag.
Red Flag #4: Lack of Communication
We all have challenges in communication. Most of us are poor communicators.
Communication is an imperfect art that we're always working on improving. But there's a difference between struggling with communication and refusing to communicate.
The key aspects of healthy communication:
- You cannot over-communicate. Say what needs to be said. Clarify. Ask questions. Don't assume.
- Have code words and shared language. When you know someone well, you think you know what they're going to say. You think you know what they're thinking. And just when you think you know everything, you realize you don't know anything.
- Always assume you don't know. Repeat what you heard. Allow them to make corrections. This prevents misunderstandings.
- Both parties take responsibility. Communication hasn't occurred until both of you have mutual understanding of what was said. You both have to take equal responsibility for hearing right and communicating right.
What lack of communication looks like:
- Refusing to discuss important topics
- Shutting down during conflict
- Giving the silent treatment
- Avoiding conversations about feelings, finances, or the future
- Making unilateral decisions without consulting your partner
If your partner consistently refuses to communicate, that's a major red flag. You can't build a healthy relationship with someone who won't talk to you.
Red Flag #5: Signs of Abuse or Manipulation
Statistics show that one in four women and one in seven men are in abusive relationships or have been abused.
Abuse comes in many forms:
- Physical (hitting, pushing, restraining)
- Verbal (name-calling, insults, degrading language)
- Emotional (gaslighting, manipulation, control)
- Financial (controlling money, preventing employment)
- Sexual (coercion, assault)
Love does not abuse. Ever.
Sometimes, we don't recognize manipulation as abuse, but it is. Examples:
- "If you don't do this, you don't love me."
- "If you loved me, you would do this."
- "You're overreacting. I didn't mean it that way."
- "You made me do this. This is your fault."
Critical point: If someone is abusive, it's probably not their first time abusing someone.
They have an issue that you cannot correct. Only God can help them. And even then, they have to be willing to do the work.
We don't recommend anyone stay in an abusive relationship. We believe in praying for them, but getting out of the situation quickly.
Your safety matters. Your dignity matters. Your life matters.
If you're in an abusive relationship, reach out for help. Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or counselor. Create a safety plan. And get out before it escalates further.
Red Flag #6: Keeping Secrets
Secrets can destroy a marriage. They turn healthy relationships into toxic ones.
The last thing you want is for your spouse to find out something that everyone else knows except them. Or for them to discover something about you through someone else instead of hearing it from you.
When secrets are exposed, they break trust.
And trust, once broken, is incredibly difficult to rebuild.
Examples of damaging secrets:
- Past relationships that were never disclosed
- Financial debt or poor credit
- Legal issues or criminal history
- Children from previous relationships
- Addiction struggles
- Major health issues
Here's the principle: If they're going to find out, it should come from you.
Yes, it might hurt. Yes, they might be upset. Yes, they might even walk away. But at least you gave them the information they need to make an informed decision about the relationship.
Keeping secrets shows:
- Lack of trust in your partner
- Fear of consequences
- Willingness to deceive for self-protection
- Disrespect for your partner's right to know important information
If your partner is keeping major secrets from you, ask yourself: What else are they hiding? And can I trust someone who deceives me?
Red Flag #7: Codependency
If you can't breathe without the person, that's a problem. If you can't live a day without them, that's unhealthy.
When your partner becomes your everything, you've made them an idol.
God has to be your everything. Your spouse cannot make you happy. Only God gives you joy. Your joy comes from the Lord. Your positivity comes from the Lord. You live for God. Your purpose is in Him.
When you look to a human to fulfill everything, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. You're going to live empty because no human can bear the weight of being your source of joy, peace, hope, and identity.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."
The correct order of relationships:
- Your relationship with God
- Your relationship with yourself
- Your relationship with your spouse
- Your relationship with your kids
When you get relationships in order, you can start being healthy and make healthy choices.
Signs of codependency:
- You can't make decisions without your partner's approval
- Your mood is entirely dependent on their mood
- You sacrifice your values, goals, and identity to please them
- You feel responsible for their happiness
- You lose yourself in the relationship
- You can't imagine life without them (not in a romantic way, but in a fearful, desperate way)
Codependency isn't love. It's dysfunction.
Healthy love allows both people to be whole individuals who choose to come together. Codependent love binds people in unhealthy ways that stifle growth and create resentment.
What to Do When You See Red Flags
If you're dating and you recognize these red flags, don't ignore them hoping they'll go away. They won't. In fact, they'll likely get worse after marriage.
Ask yourself:
- Can I live with this issue for the next 50 years?
- Is this person willing to work on this problem?
- Am I ignoring warning signs because I'm afraid to be alone?
- Am I settling because I don't trust God to bring me someone better?
If you're already married and these red flags are present, you have work to do.
- Seek counseling (individual and couples)
- Address issues head-on with honest communication
- Set boundaries
- Hold your spouse accountable
- Pray for wisdom and guidance
- If there's abuse, prioritize your safety
Some red flags can be worked through with effort, counseling, and God's help. Others (like abuse) require immediate action to protect yourself.
Final Thoughts: Don't Ignore the Warning Signs
Red flags exist for a reason. They're warnings. They're telling you, "Pay attention. Something is wrong here."
Whether you're dating or married, don't dismiss these warning signs. Don't make excuses for them. Don't convince yourself that love will conquer all without addressing real problems.
Love is important. But love without wisdom, boundaries, and biblical alignment leads to pain.
If you see these red flags:
- In someone you're dating: Proceed with extreme caution or walk away
- In your marriage: Address them immediately with honesty and professional help
- In a friend's relationship: Lovingly share your concerns
Your relationship is too important to ignore warning signs.
God designed marriage to be a blessing, not a burden. A source of joy, not constant pain. A partnership that reflects His love, not a toxic cycle of dysfunction.
Choose wisely. Love well. And never ignore the red flags.
Remember: Love, laugh, and learn together. Your future depends on the choices you make today.
