Divorce rates are climbing. The statistics are sobering. Many of us desperately want to keep our marriages intact, but what happens when one spouse has already checked out? What do you do when your partner says they want a divorce?
Today, we're tackling one of the hardest questions any married person can face: How do you stop your spouse from divorcing you?
This isn't about manipulation or tricks. This is about real, lasting change. It's about humility, growth, and fighting for what matters most.
Let's be clear upfront: Stopping a divorce is really hard. But it's not impossible. With the right mindset, intentional action, and willingness to change, marriages can be saved.
The Devastating Truth: Change Often Comes Too Late
A psychologist who specializes in marriage counseling shared a story that captures the tragedy of delayed change.
He was counseling a couple for several months. The husband wanted the counseling. He showed up. He said all the right things during the sessions. But when they got home, nothing changed. He was the same person.
The wife tried. She did everything the counselor suggested. She waited. She hoped. But after months of seeing no real change, she was done. "I tap out. This is it." She filed for divorce.
The same psychologist became their mediator because they felt comfortable with him. For six months, he mediated the divorce proceedings. Then, at one particular meeting, something shifted. The husband finally said, "I want to change. I'm done fooling around. I really want to change."
But it was too late. The wife was through. He had waited so long to make real change that she no longer had the emotional energy to try again.
The lesson? Don't wait until the papers are filed to decide you're willing to change.
If you're reading this and your marriage is in trouble, the time to act is now. Not next month. Not after one more fight. Now.
Understanding the Core Issue: Pride vs. Humility
Most people struggling in their marriages know deep down what they need to change. But pride gets in the way.
We don't feel like we're the problem. We're convinced our spouse is the issue. It's so much easier to point the finger and catalog everything they're doing wrong than to examine our own hearts.
But here's the hard truth: Change begins with you.
If you want something different, you have to do something different. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.
In every relationship, there are two people. That usually means two problems. One person might be a bigger issue, but ultimately, both have contributing factors they need to address.
The Reality of Constant Change in Marriage
Here's something most people don't think about: You're constantly changing whether you realize it or not.
"I've married at least 10 different women. They're all the same name: Charmaine."
Think about it. You marry the 20-year-old version of your spouse. Then the 21-year-old. The 23-year-old. The first-baby version. The second-baby version. The third-baby version.
A pregnant wife is different than a non-pregnant wife. A wife going through career stress is different than one who's thriving. As you go through seasons of marriage, you're constantly dealing with a different version of your spouse based on where they are.
Change is inevitable. The question is: Will you embrace it or resist it?
Too often, we wait until the very end before we decide we're willing to make the change. Don't let that be your story.
Step 1: Prepare for Action
You would never go to war without a gun, the right ammunition, and proper equipment. You would never go into the woods without water. So why would you try to save your marriage without preparation?
Stopping a divorce is going to be one of the biggest challenges you'll ever face. You need to be equipped.
What does preparation look like?
- Develop the right mindset. Do you have a fixed mindset ("This is just who I am") or a growth mindset ("I can change and improve")? Dr. Carol Dweck's research shows that people with growth mindsets believe they can evolve. People with fixed mindsets stay stuck.
- Ask yourself two critical questions:
- Am I willing to change?
- Is my spouse worth changing for?
Sometimes we feel like the other person isn't worth the effort. That's a terrible place to be. But if you married them, there should be some part of you that wants to grow for their sake.
- Recognize that anything alive grows. If you're not growing, you're dying. Relationships are no different.
The truth is, most of us aren't ready for marriage when we get into it. We don't take a "Husband 101" or "Wife 102" class. We like each other, we get married, and then we realize we have no idea what we're doing.
If you want your marriage to work, you must be willing to put in the work. It starts with a growth mindset that says, "I'm willing to change."
Step 2: Own Your Part
Stop blaming your spouse. Stop blaming your parents. Stop blaming your upbringing.
If you are rude, own that you are rude. If you are short-tempered, own that you are short-tempered.
Most of us have a proclivity toward certain negative behaviors. For example: "I want what I want when I want it. And when I don't get what I want when I want it, I don't act well." That's immaturity. Own it.
Before you start playing the blame game, look in the mirror. As Michael Jackson sang, "I'm looking at the man in the mirror, and I'm asking him to make a change."
You are at least 50% responsible for the state of your relationship. Sometimes more. But at minimum, you're a contributing factor.
Ask yourself these hard questions:
- Where do I fall into this?
- What have I contributed to make my spouse feel this way?
- What have I done to create this toxic environment?
A powerful perspective shift: There was a time when one spouse was speaking harshly. The immediate reaction was to respond defensively: "Why are you talking to me like that?"
But instead, the question became: "What have I done to make them feel like that's the only way I'll hear them?"
That question changed everything. God revealed patterns of dismissiveness, emotional unavailability, and poor listening. The harsh tone wasn't the real problem. It was a symptom of deeper issues.
When's the last time you asked yourself: Is it me? Could I be creating this environment?
The answer is probably yes. And owning that is the first step toward change.
Step 3: Clarify the Needs
If you don't clarify what needs to change, you're leaving your spouse to guess. And what they guess might not be what you actually need.
Here's a powerful story of clarity in action:
During a serious conversation about needed changes, one spouse started typing on an iPad while the other was pouring out their heart. The immediate reaction was offense. "What is this person doing? I'm being vulnerable here!"
But here's what was happening: Notes were being taken. Every issue, every hurt, every requested change was being documented so nothing would be forgotten.
Six weeks later, during a follow-up conversation, one spouse said, "I haven't seen you change any of the things I asked for."
The response? The iPad came back out. "Actually, I've changed this, this, and this." And there was a detailed explanation of how those changes were being made.
The problem? The changes didn't look like what was expected. The person making the changes envisioned them differently than the person requesting them.
The solution? Do it together.
Don't just write down what needs to change. Sit down together and clarify:
- What does this change look like?
- How will we both know it's happening?
- What does success look like?
It's hard to fulfill what you don't define. How can you hit a target you haven't marked?
Remember this principle: Everyone's feelings are real to them. Whether you agree or not, it's real to them. Make what's important to them important to you, regardless of what you think.
Step 4: Acknowledge That Change Takes Time
I've never seen a large ship turn quickly.
If you've been in a marriage for years and you expect radical overnight shifts, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Real change takes time.
Be thankful for incremental changes. Acknowledge the small steps along the way.
The enemy of your soul wants divorce. God hates divorce. The devil loves divorce. You have an adversary that wants you to fail.
That means you have to be intentional. You have to fight for your marriage. And you have to celebrate progress, even when it's slow.
Step 5: Look Your Best (Inside and Out)
When couples are on the brink of divorce, they often look like it. They've stopped trying. They've let themselves go physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
But if you're trying to save your marriage, you need to go back to the beginning.
Think about when you were dating. You looked your best. You smelled good. You dressed well. You had a positive attitude. You were intentional about how you presented yourself.
Why would you stop doing that just because you got married?
Just because you're going through something doesn't mean you have to look like you're going through something.
This applies to both physical appearance and attitude:
- Do your hair
- Dress well
- Take care of your body
- Accent what your spouse finds attractive
- Maintain a positive attitude
- Be someone your spouse wants to be around
A real conversation: "Babe, my body has shifted a little bit. Things are going south."
The response? "I want to be what you want me to be. How can I fulfill what I don't define? Tell me what you like, and I'll work toward that."
That's not shallow. That's love. We're visual beings. We notice when our spouse takes care of themselves. And we notice when they stop.
The goal? Minimize distractions. If your spouse says they like something on you, wear it. If they appreciate when you maintain your health, prioritize it.
This isn't about vanity. It's about showing your spouse they're worth the effort.
Step 6: Clear Up Past Hurts
If you're trying to stop a divorce, you absolutely must address any unresolved wounds from the past.
Unhealed hurts will sabotage every attempt at moving forward.
If there's anything lingering that wasn't resolved, anything your spouse didn't get closure on, it needs to be addressed. Not buried. Not ignored. Addressed.
Think of it like a wound. You may have to put some alcohol in it to clean it out. It's going to sting. But if you don't clean it properly, it will get infected.
Here's how to do this well:
- Make a decision to move forward without dragging the past along. If you want to move forward, you can't keep reminding your spouse of who they used to be. If they're making real changes, acknowledge them.
- Acknowledge the hurt. "Babe, I hurt you here. I acknowledge that. I apologize."
- Ask for guidelines to restore trust. "What do you need from me to feel safe again? What can I do to rebuild trust?"
- Give what they need, not what you think they want. Often, we offer what we think will fix things instead of asking what they actually need.
A critical caution: Don't go so far back into details that you create new hurts. The goal is healing, not reopening every wound. Be strategic about what you revisit.
Step 7: Develop Essential Marriage Skills
Here's an uncomfortable truth: Many divorces happen because people lack basic relationship skills.
We think that just because we love each other, everything will work out. But love without skill leads to failure.
What skills do you need to develop?
1. Listening Real listening isn't waiting for your turn to talk. It's seeking to understand before being understood.
2. Communication Communication hasn't happened until there's mutual understanding. It's not just about what you said. It's about what they heard.
3. Clarification "Babe, when you said this, this is what I heard. Is that what you meant?" That simple question prevents countless misunderstandings.
4. Tone and Attitude Awareness How you say something matters as much as what you say. Are you speaking in a way that can be received?
5. Emotional Regulation James 1:19 says, "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger." Most of us do the opposite. We're quick to speak, slow to listen, and fast to anger.
6. Conflict Resolution Disagreements are inevitable. But do you know how to fight fair? Do you know how to de-escalate? Do you know how to apologize and forgive?
How do you develop these skills?
- Read self-help books and marriage books
- Attend marriage conferences and workshops
- Find models and mentors (couples further along who are doing it well)
- Consider professional counseling (there's no shame in getting help)
- Practice with your spouse (the more you communicate, the better you get)
The truth is, if you had these skills, you'd already be using them. Something is missing. Get the help you need.
As 1 Corinthians 13:11 says, "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I acted like a child. But when I became a man, I put away childish things."
If you want your marriage to work, you've got to put away some childish behaviors and develop mature skills.
The Question Everyone Asks: Did I Marry the Wrong Person?
When marriages get hard, almost everyone asks this question at some point: Did I marry the wrong person?
The answer is nuanced.
Yes, it's possible to marry the wrong person:
- If you're unequally yoked (one believer, one non-believer)
- If there's abuse or abandonment
- If you didn't seek God before marriage
- If you ignored major red flags
But here's the powerful truth: If you put God in the center of your relationship, anything can work.
Think about this: For most of human history, marriages were arranged. Couples never met before the wedding. Yet arranged marriages have a 95% success rate.
Could it be that we are the problem? Could it be that our expectations, our selfishness, our unwillingness to grow are the real issues?
Amos 3:3 asks, "How can two walk together unless they agree?" If you're going north and your spouse is going northeast, eventually there's going to be a huge distance between you. That's how people "grow apart."
But if two people surrender their lives to Christ and say, "We're going to do it God's way," it can work out.
Sometimes the struggles God allows in marriage are designed to grow you into a better person. Having children changes you. Being married changes you. You become the best version of yourself if you allow it.
Don't run from the struggle that God allowed for your growth.
Final Thoughts: Marriage Works When You Put in the Work
Stopping a divorce requires:
- A growth mindset
- Owning your part
- Clarifying needs
- Patience with the process
- Caring for yourself
- Healing past hurts
- Developing essential skills
It's not easy. But it's possible.
If you're reading this and your marriage is in trouble, don't give up yet. Don't wait until it's too late to make real change.
Start today. Own your part. Get help. Fight for your marriage.
Remember: The enemy wants your divorce. God hates divorce. You have to be intentional to fight for what matters.
Love, laugh, and learn together. Your marriage is worth fighting for.
