The eight biggest enemies of your marriage aren't always the obvious ones. They're the world, other people's opinions, unrealistic expectations, your past, comparison, career ambition, misplaced priorities with your kids, and family. Name them, and you can defend against them. Ignore them, and any one can quietly erode what you're building.
In business there's a tool called a SWOT analysis: strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats. Smart couples do the same thing with their marriage. Tonight we're focused on the threats, because research on thriving couples finds the ones who survive hard things take a together approach. They face the threat as a team instead of as two individuals. So let's identify what's coming for your marriage and stand against it side by side.
The world
Let's start big. The culture around us isn't neutral about marriage. God is for it, but there's a steady current pushing against staying married, against dying to self, against the slow work of becoming one. Marriage is a process of two people laying down their lives for each other, and the more Christlike you become, the easier that gets. If you don't keep the Creator of marriage at the center of your marriage, you're fighting the current with no anchor. Keep God in the middle, and the world's pull loses its grip.
Other people's opinions
It's remarkable how much marriage advice comes from people who have never made one work. Single friends, relatives with their own broken track records, everyone's got an opinion on what your spouse should do. Consider the source. Is this actually wisdom, and are the people handing it out living what they preach? We took a marriage class recently with a couple who had been married more than forty years, and what struck me was their humility, still learning, still growing. That's the posture. Every marriage is a unique combination of two unique people, so what worked for someone else may not fit yours at all. As my grandmother used to say, chew the meat and spit out the bones.
Unrealistic expectations
Here's a hard truth. People don't change much, and you knew what you were getting. The pre-existing conditions were there before you said "I do." So it's strange how, a few years in, we suddenly expect the person to become someone else. You can't marry someone for who they are and then resent them for it. My wife is one of the most generous, kindhearted people alive. Sometimes it bothers me when people take advantage of that kindness, and I've had to remember she wouldn't be who she is without the very trait I'd be tempted to change. You can't have it both ways. And a deeper point: don't build your marriage on looks alone. Bodies change with age, children, illness, and time, so if attraction is all you married, you married something that was never guaranteed. Marry for substance, and the substance carries you when everything else shifts.
Your past
Often the real enemy of your current relationship is your last one. We carry the bags, the pain, and the trauma into something new, and then a small moment triggers an old wound and we react to our spouse for something they never did. That isn't a character flaw, it's a signal. Get healed before you get engaged, not after. If you've walked through abuse, abandonment, or addiction, that's real, and it deserves real care. Classes like DivorceCare and GriefShare, offered through many churches, put you in a room with others who understand, so you don't have to heal alone. Lean on trusted people, a counselor, and prayer, because the goal is to come into your marriage whole rather than handing your spouse a wound to manage.
Keeping up with the Joneses
Comparison is a quiet killer. "Susie's husband bought her a car." "Look how Johnny opens the door for his wife." Measuring your marriage against someone else's highlight reel breeds discontent fast, and you never actually know what's happening inside their home. Here's the healthy version. If you see something in another couple you'd like in yours, don't sit back and expect your spouse to read your mind. Talk about it, agree on it together, and name it as a new expectation. My wife once climbed into the car and waited for me to open her door, something she'd never wanted before. I had no idea, and I told her, you have to tell me. You'll never fulfill what you don't define, because your spouse is not a mind reader.
Unchecked career ambition
Hear me clearly. There's nothing wrong with being driven, a power woman or a power man chasing big goals. But Scripture says you can't serve two masters, and if you're not careful, the career quietly becomes the enemy of the marriage. Something always gives. I've watched heavy travel turn into too many nights away, and too many nights away turn into loneliness, and loneliness into the thing that breaks a marriage. When both partners are highly driven, it's even harder, and it usually takes one of you sacrificing or adjusting so the marriage doesn't pay the bill. Don't gain the whole world and lose the person you built it with. Decide together where the line is.
Putting the kids above the marriage
This one stings for a lot of people. We love our children, but the marriage has to outrank them, because the marriage is the foundation the whole family stands on. When kids become the top priority and the marriage gets the leftovers, you wake up years later as strangers. Here's a simple order of priorities: God first, then you, then your spouse, then those sweet babies, then your career. The kids are going to leave, at eighteen or twenty-three, and the question is what's left of your marriage when they do. Raise them well, but don't let them run the house or replace your spouse.
Family and in-laws
In-laws can be a blessing or, if you're not careful, they can become outlaws. Here's a trap in particular. When family holds a financial commitment over you, that money often buys them access, and access buys them a vote in how you run your home. Scripture is direct about this. Leave and cleave. You honor your parents, but you build your marriage as its own unit. The move is to get ahead of it, to sit down with your spouse before the tension comes and decide together how you'll handle in-laws' opinions, holidays, parenting input, and boundaries. Love your families well, and still put your foot down where it matters, as a united front.
Facing the enemies together
Look back over the eight: the world, opinions, expectations, your past, comparison, career, kids, and family. Notice that most of them attack from the outside, and every one of them loses power when you face it as a team. That's the whole point. Do your own SWOT analysis together. Name the threats out loud, decide how you'll defend against each, and keep God at the center. The couples who last aren't the ones without enemies. They're the ones who fight them side by side.
Common questions
What are the biggest threats to a marriage?
Beyond the obvious ones like infidelity, many threats come from outside or from misplaced priorities: cultural pressure against commitment, unsolicited opinions, unrealistic expectations, unhealed wounds from your past, comparison to other couples, unchecked career ambition, putting kids above the marriage, and in-law overreach. Research shows couples who face these together, as a team, are far more likely to survive them.
Should kids come before your marriage?
No. Loving your children well means protecting your marriage, because it's the foundation their security is built on. A healthy order is God, then your spouse, then your children, then career. Kids eventually grow up and leave, and if the marriage was neglected, couples wake up as strangers. Prioritizing your spouse is good parenting, not a betrayal of your kids.
How do you set boundaries with in-laws?
Get ahead of it by deciding together, as a couple, before conflict arises. Agree on how you'll handle opinions, holidays, parenting input, and finances, then present a united front. Scripture's "leave and cleave" means your marriage becomes its own unit while still honoring your parents. Be careful with financial entanglement, since money from family often comes with strings and access.
Why do unrealistic expectations hurt a marriage?
Because people don't change much, and you largely knew who you married. Expecting a spouse to become someone else breeds chronic disappointment and resentment. The traits that irritate you are often tied to the traits you love. Healthy marriages trade the fantasy of a changed partner for realistic acceptance, clear communication about needs, and appreciation for who your spouse is.
How does your past affect your current relationship?
Unhealed hurt from previous relationships or trauma follows you in, and small moments can trigger old wounds, so you react to your spouse for something they never did. The healthiest step is to heal before you commit, through counseling, supportive community, healing classes, and prayer. Coming into a marriage whole protects your spouse from carrying a wound they didn't cause.
Remember: Love, laugh, and learn together.
