We see a lot of fake people. Fake smiles, fake social media posts, fake "everything's fine" energy. But the scariest place for fakeness to show up is inside your own relationship, because the person sleeping next to you should be the one person who gets the real version of you.
Recently, after a speaking event, a man pulled one of us aside and said something that stuck: "What I appreciate about you is your authenticity. I see God first in your life. I see that you love your wife. And when someone asked me who I see walking it out, I mentioned you." That hit different. Not because we're perfect, but because in a world full of people performing their relationships, walking in truth actually stands out.
So tonight we want to talk about faking. Not the kind of faking that happens with strangers, but the kind that happens between two people who are supposed to love each other the most.
Why Do People Fake It in the First Place?
Before we get into the list, let's address the root. There are three main reasons people fake things in their relationships:
They don't believe they can do better. "This is the best I've ever had, so this must be the best God has for me." But that's not how God works. The best you've ever had is not necessarily the best He has in store for you. Some people settle into inauthenticity because they've confused familiarity with destiny.
They're afraid of being alone. The older you get, the more the clock ticks. Finding someone compatible, trustworthy, and willing to build a life with you gets harder with time. So people fake contentment to avoid loneliness, even when the relationship isn't feeding their soul.
They like the attention. Some people enjoy the look of a relationship more than the reality of one. The arm candy. The couple photos. Walking into a room holding someone's hand. It's all presentation with no substance underneath. They want the image without the work.
Now, here are the eight things people fake most often.
1. Satisfaction in the Bedroom
This might be the most common one, and it's also the most damaging.
If your spouse thinks they're doing a great job because you've been performing satisfaction you don't actually feel, how will things ever get better? You've locked yourself into a situation where telling the truth now makes you look dishonest about everything that came before.
This is especially common with women who fake pleasure to make their husband feel like a man. The intent isn't malicious. It comes from a place of love and submission. But the result is that she never actually gets what she needs, and he never knows there's a problem to fix.
The bedroom should be the most vulnerable, honest space in your marriage. If you can't tell the truth while you're naked with your spouse, where can you tell it? Stop performing. Start communicating. It might be an awkward conversation, but it's far better than a lifetime of pretending.
2. Laughing at Things That Aren't Funny
This one sounds small, but it adds up.
Your spouse tells a joke. It's not funny. But you laugh anyway because you don't want to hurt their feelings. Then it becomes a pattern. They think they're hilarious. You're sitting there with a half-smirk pretending to be entertained.
We were at a restaurant once and there was a guy at the table next to us laughing so loud and so badly that we couldn't even focus on our own conversation. The worst part? He had no idea. People with terrible laughs never know. And the people around them fake-laugh just to get through it.
Now, in a marriage, a fake laugh here and there isn't going to destroy anything. But when you consistently pretend to enjoy things you don't enjoy, you're slowly building a version of yourself that isn't real. And your spouse falls in love with the fake version.
3. Your Preferences
This one is sneaky because it starts with good intentions. You don't want to hurt their feelings, so you pretend to like things you don't.
We had our own version of this with spaghetti. Neither one of us loved it. But we both kept making it and eating it because we didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings. It was edible. It was fine. But neither of us would have ordered it at a restaurant. And we went years without saying anything.
Then there's the other side: sometimes you try to tell the truth and the person doesn't want to hear it. "I don't like that." "Well, you've never tried mine." "I don't need to try yours. I don't like it." And now they're offended because you answered their question honestly. If you ask a question, you should be prepared for the answer. And if the answer isn't what you hoped for, that's not a reason to get hurt. It's a reason to appreciate the honesty.
4. Pretending an Issue Is Resolved
"Are we good?" "Yeah, we're good."
But you're not good. You still have attitude. You haven't actually processed what happened. You're just saying "we're good" to end the conversation so you can stew in private.
This is incredibly common and incredibly destructive. When you fake resolution, the issue doesn't go away. It just goes underground. And it resurfaces later, usually bigger and uglier than it was the first time.
Here's what's healthier: "I don't know if I'm okay right now. Give me a minute." That's honest and it gives you space to process without lying about where you stand. Because sometimes your emotions are running hot and you need to figure out whether you're actually mad at your spouse or just reacting to stress, fatigue, or something unrelated. Taking a minute to sort that out is wisdom, not avoidance. Saying "I'm fine" when you're not is avoidance disguised as peace.
5. Your Political Views
This might surprise you, but a lot of couples don't share the same political opinions. And instead of having honest conversations about it, one person fakes agreement to avoid the fight.
We'll admit this one shows up in our house. Charmaine is passionate about her political views. Very passionate. "If your opinion is not mine, I don't want to hear it." And sometimes Jomo will play devil's advocate just to spark a debate, then bust out laughing while she's still heated. Not always appreciated.
But the underlying point is real: you should be able to disagree with your spouse on politics without it threatening the marriage. The Bible says to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). You don't have to share every opinion, but faking agreement just to keep the peace builds a relationship on something that isn't real.
6. Loving Their Gifts
Back in college, one of us bought the other a full outfit: Reebok Classics, matching sweatsuit, the whole look. Very "up north." Very thoughtful. The response? A polite "thank you" and the outfit was never worn. Not once.
When someone gives you a gift and you pretend to love it, the intention is kind. You don't want to diminish their effort. But the pattern of faking appreciation creates a problem: your spouse keeps buying you things you don't want because they think they know what you like.
There's a difference between "Thank you" and "Whoa, this is amazing." One is polite. The other is genuine excitement. If your spouse only ever gets the polite version, they eventually notice, and the disconnect grows.
7. Excitement About Big Decisions
"We're moving to Canada for your promotion? Wow, that's so awesome, baby!"
Except it's not awesome. You don't want to move. You don't want to uproot your life. But you fake the excitement because you don't want to be the person who holds them back.
Faking excitement about major life changes is dangerous because those decisions have long-term consequences. If you pretend to be on board with something that fundamentally changes your life and you're not actually on board, resentment will build. And it will come out eventually, usually at the worst possible time.
Speak the truth in love. "I'm proud of you, and I want to support you. But I need to be honest about how I feel about this." That's not being unsupportive. That's being a real partner.
8. Saying You're Okay When You're Not
This is the most universal one. Everyone has done it.
"Are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine."
No, you're not fine. And you know you're not fine. But you say it anyway because you don't want to deal with the conversation right now. Maybe you're tired. Maybe you don't even fully understand what you're feeling yet. Maybe you just want to go to bed.
Here's the problem: you'll never change what you don't confront. And confrontation, done well, is actually healthy for a relationship. It means you're dealing with reality instead of performing a version of your marriage that doesn't actually exist.
The healthier version sounds like this: "I'm not sure if I'm okay right now. Let me process and I'll come back to you." That's honest, it's respectful, and it gives both of you space without building a wall of fake "I'm fine's" between you.
Authenticity Is the Goal
Nobody's asking you to be brutally honest about every thought that crosses your mind. There's a line between honesty and cruelty, just like there's a line between kindness and deception. Faking things in small ways feels harmless in the moment, but over time, those small fakes stack up until neither of you really knows the real person sitting across the table.
The Bible says the truth will set you free (John 8:32). That includes the truth about what you feel, what you actually like, and what's bothering you underneath. Your spouse deserves the real you. And the real you, flaws and all, is the only version of you that can be truly loved.
Remember: Love, laugh, and learn together.
