Here's a conversation that happens more often than you'd think: A husband confides in a friend, "I really can't tell my wife what I want." Yet that same man has no problem telling a woman on the street exactly what he desires. He'll share his thoughts, his needs, his preferences with a stranger, but remains silent with the woman he married.
Why?
"I feel ashamed to tell my wife what I want," he admits, "but I'm not ashamed to tell a woman on the street."
This doesn't make sense, does it? The person you've committed to spend your life with should be the one person you can be completely honest with. Yet many men struggle with transparency, afraid to be vulnerable about what they truly need.
Today, we're pulling back the curtain on what men want but rarely express. Women, this message is for you. Because when these needs are met at home, men don't need to look elsewhere for fulfillment.
The Pedestal Problem: When Honor Becomes a Barrier
Before we dive into the specific needs, let's address a critical issue: the pedestal problem.
Some men put their wives on such a high pedestal (especially if she was a virgin or came into marriage with limited experience) that they can no longer be honest about their desires. He's compartmentalized her as "pure" and "holy," which is wonderful. But in his mind, the things he wants to do sexually don't belong with someone he's placed on that shelf.
So what happens? He keeps those desires to himself. Or worse, he takes them to "the chick on the street" who he hasn't put on a pedestal.
Here's the problem with that thinking: You would rather have infidelity in your marriage and do the things you want with another woman than simply tell your wife what you want? Maybe she wants those things too. Maybe she's scared to bring them up. And both of you are sitting at home, holding back, afraid to be honest.
The solution? Understand that your wife can be both holy and free. Both pure and passionate. Both a godly woman and your intimate partner. Genesis tells us to be "naked and unashamed." That applies to more than just clothing. It's about total vulnerability, total honesty, total freedom in marriage.
1. Respect: The Number One Need of a Man
According to research and biblical teaching, the number one need of a man is respect. Just as the number one need of a woman is security, men feed off respect.
When a man feels disrespected, he gives off a certain vibe. He withdraws. He shuts down. He stops trying. The Bible is clear: Ephesians 5:33 says, "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
What Respect Looks Like:
A man wants to feel like a king. He wants to feel honored. If you want to get the best out of your husband, call him king. Call him by names that make his chest stick out. "Look at my king walking through that door."
If a woman on the street can talk to him and make him feel good (the Proverbs 7 woman who flatters and entices), how much more should his wife make him feel valued and respected?
The Disrespect Trap:
Many women grew up watching their parents argue constantly. That became normal. They carry that pattern into marriage, and suddenly everything's a fight. Every conversation becomes a battle. Every opinion is an opposition.
Some men end up feeling like they're in prison, a jail sentence that won't end. They can't get a statement out without their wife having a counter-argument. Not everything is a war. Not every difference of opinion requires conflict.
Public vs. Private Disagreement:
It's one thing to have a different opinion behind closed doors. It's entirely different to disagree with him in front of all his friends and family. That public disrespect cuts deep and communicates that you don't have his back.
Giving Him Choice:
Respect also means allowing your husband to make decisions. Many women already have it figured out: "I know what I want. I know what I need. I know how I want it done." You're not allowing your spouse to actually have a choice. You're making all the decisions. You want to be head of household because that's how your mom did it.
But that's not the biblical order. When you don't give him room to lead, you're communicating disrespect.
The Boss Lady Struggle:
It's hard for some women to be the boss at work and come home and submit to their husband, especially when the wife makes more money or is more dominant professionally. One woman at a women's conference shared her solution: She sits in the garage for 20 to 30 minutes after work. Her family knows: "Leave mommy alone while she's in the garage."
She needs that time to decompress from being a boss chick at work so she can be the wife and mother her family needs. That's wisdom. That's self-awareness. That's setting healthy boundaries.
A drill sergeant shared a similar struggle: He had to transition from barking orders in the military to being a dad at home. It took time to learn the difference.
The Bottom Line:
Women empowerment is a good thing, but if you get pushed so far forward that you forget there's a biblical order, you'll end up alone. You can speak "I don't need nobody" into existence. And before long, you won't have nobody. Men will only tolerate so much bossing around before they find a woman who respects them.
2. Emotional Safety Without Judgment
Men are often challenged with transparency because they don't want to show vulnerability. We've been so ingrained with "man up, don't cry" that showing vulnerability feels unnatural.
Here's the critical part: When a man does open up, how you receive him determines whether he'll ever be vulnerable again.
If you laugh at him when he's vulnerable, if you make jokes about what he shared, if you dismiss his feelings, he's done. He will never open up to you again. That window closes.
The Weapon of Vulnerability:
This is especially critical during arguments. When you're caught up in trying to win the fight, don't use his vulnerability as a weapon. Don't throw past confessions back in his face to score points.
You might win the argument, but you'll lose the war. You'll lose him. Rebuilding that trust so he feels safe being vulnerable again will take enormous time and effort.
Why This Matters:
This is why so many men have heart attacks and strokes. This is why women live longer. Women get their emotions out. Men hold everything down. We stuff it. We compartmentalize. We isolate.
When a man decides to be transparent and honest with you, recognize that's abnormal for most men. Handle it with care. Receive it with honor. Create a safe space for his heart.
3. Sexual Freedom and Honesty
Let's be direct: When you hold back sexually, you're actually holding your wife back from sexual freedom too.
Just because a woman was a virgin doesn't mean she doesn't want to experience all things with her husband. Just because she saved herself doesn't mean she doesn't have desires, curiosities, or interests.
The Freedom Principle:
When you hold back from expressing what you want sexually because you're afraid she'll think you're a freak or that you'll see her differently, you're robbing both of you of freedom. You're preventing her from exploring her sexuality with you. You're keeping both of you in bondage.
After a certain amount of time, a woman can sense when her man is holding back. So now she goes along with it because maybe she thinks you'd find her crazy if she brought up something more adventurous. Both of you are holding back. Neither of you is being "naked and unashamed."
The Comparison Problem:
Here's the challenge for men who were sexually active before marriage: You've connected your brain to so many experiences. Now you're trying to put all those women into one, setting yourself up for failure.
This is why God wanted us to be virgins, so there's nothing to compare. "It's the best I ever had because it's the only thing I ever had." But if you've had multiple partners, your brain has created neural pathways, connections, and memories that don't just disappear.
The solution isn't secrecy or shame. The solution is honest communication with your spouse about what you desire, paired with the understanding that you're building something new together, not trying to recreate past experiences.
4. Appreciation: Don't Take Him for Granted
Just because something is expected doesn't mean it shouldn't be appreciated.
Men need to hear "thank you." We need to hear "I appreciate you." We need to know that what we do is noticed and valued.
The Power of Encouragement:
Compliments and encouragement matter. When you tell your husband, "You're good at this," or "I really appreciate when you do that," you're reinforcing positive behavior.
Here's a practical example: "I used to burn candles late at night. I didn't know if you liked it, so I never asked. Then I stopped doing it. Later, I overheard you say, 'Charmaine used to burn candles. It was so nice.' I had no idea you even noticed!"
Because the small act was never acknowledged, it got dropped. But once appreciation was expressed, it came back. This time with diffusers.
The Lesson:
When you have three kids, a job, and a million responsibilities, you're constantly prioritizing. If something isn't acknowledged or appreciated, it falls off the list. But when you express gratitude for the little things, your spouse knows to keep doing them.
Men operate the same way. When we take out the trash, cut the grass, fix things around the house, provide financially, acknowledge it. "The yard man did a great job on this grass. The edging and everything is perfect." Even if it's said lightheartedly, it communicates value.
5. Peace: The Three P's Every Man Needs
The Bible says a contentious woman will drive a man to the roof. Men want peace. Actually, men want three P's: Peace, a plate, and some pootang.
A man isn't that deep. Seriously. We're not complicated. Give us those three things, and we're good.
Peace:
Men in our world feel enormous stress to provide and protect. When relationships fail financially, men usually take the brunt of the responsibility, whether that's fair or not. There's anxiety that comes with that burden.
If you can be our safe place, if you can be our peace, it does something profound for us. We need home to be a refuge, not another battlefield.
A Plate (Nourishment):
This isn't just about food, though good food matters. "Your food is the best food. When we get other people's food, we have leftovers. With your food, there are no leftovers."
This is about being nourished at home: physically, emotionally, spiritually. When a man is well-fed in every sense, he doesn't need to look elsewhere.
Pootang (Intimacy):
We already covered this. Sexual fulfillment matters. When all three P's are present at home, a man doesn't need to go outside the house. Men go outside when one of those three is missing.
Understanding Different Wiring: Isolation vs. Connection
Men gravitate toward isolation. Women gravitate toward conversation. We're wired differently.
This means husbands have to be intentional about connecting outside of sex. It won't happen naturally for most men. We have to reach out. We have to create space for conversation. We have to give our wives bandwidth to express themselves.
The Stay-at-Home Mom Dynamic:
Some wives wait all day to talk to their husbands. They're excited to share their day, their thoughts, their feelings. Then he gets home and wants to decompress alone.
This requires communication and compromise. Maybe he needs 20 minutes in the garage or by the pool to transition from work mode to home mode. That's okay, as long as he doesn't use "decompression time" as an excuse to avoid emotional connection altogether.
The Reality:
If you're not intentional about emotional connection, breaches will occur. You'll grow apart. Your wife will feel neglected. Resentment will build.
So make the effort. Reach out. Ask questions. Listen. Be present. Remember: your job is to love her, and her job is to respect you. When both are doing their part, the marriage thrives.
Final Thoughts: What Men Really Want
Men want respect. They want to feel valued. They want emotional safety. They want sexual freedom and honesty. They want appreciation. They want the three P's. They want peace.
None of this is complicated. But all of it requires intentionality.
Women, when you honor these needs in your husband, you're not being weak or submissive in a negative way. You're being wise. You're creating an environment where your marriage can flourish. You're ensuring that what he needs at home, he doesn't have to look for elsewhere.
Men, this doesn't mean you get to sit back and demand these things. You have work to do too. You have to love your wife the way Christ loved the church. You have to provide security. You have to be emotionally available. You have to pursue her. You have to serve her.
Marriage is a partnership where both people give their best to meet each other's needs.
When men feel respected, valued, and at peace, they become better husbands, better fathers, and better men. When women feel secure, cherished, and protected, they become better wives, better mothers, and better women.
Your marriage is worth the effort. Fight for it. Communicate honestly. Meet each other's needs.
Remember: Love, laugh, and learn together. Your best days are still ahead.
