Nobody plans to end up in a toxic relationship. But once you're there, getting out can feel like trying to untangle Christmas lights in the dark. You know the knots are there, you just can't see where to start pulling.
Here are 10 practical, faith-rooted steps to help you get free and start healing.
End the denial
The first step sounds simple, but it's the hardest one. You have to get real with yourself. It's over.
Any addiction recovery program will tell you the same thing: the first step is admitting what's in front of you. And once you stop going back and forth ("Maybe this will work out... maybe we'll get back together"), you actually drop a weight off your shoulders. You stop spending energy on something that's already done, and you can start planning for what's next.
Let it go so you can move forward.
Keep a log of your emotions
Write it out. Get a journal, open a notes app, grab a napkin at a restaurant if you have to. Just write it down.
Ben Franklin used to do something called the "Ben Franklin Close," where he'd draw a line down the middle of a page and list the positives on one side and the negatives on the other. Sometimes you don't realize how bad a situation really is until you see it written out in front of you.
A 2018 study on expressive writing found real health benefits to getting your feelings out on paper. It reduces stress and helps you think more clearly. My mom used to tell me the same thing when I was a little girl: "When you have feelings about anything, write them down."
Here's the other benefit. Once you write something down and read it back to yourself, you can decide whether it's something you actually need to say out loud or whether it should just stay on paper. Not every emotion needs to leave your mouth.
Identify the perks
This might sound strange, but you need to recognize what was good about the relationship too. Maybe you shared finances that made things easier. Maybe they were disciplined in ways that rubbed off on you. Maybe they picked the kids up every day.
The reality is, research shows that about 69% of relationship issues don't actually change over time. A lot of what frustrated you was always going to be there. But there were positives too, and you need to name them.
Why? Because once you name them, you can figure out how to keep those benefits in your life without the person.
Fill the gaps
Once you've identified what that person brought to the table, you have to figure out how to cover those gaps yourself.
If it's financial, you might need to pick up extra work or ask family for help during the transition. Downsizing is also a real option. Reduce your bills, cut what you can, adjust your lifestyle to fit where you actually are right now.
If it's friendship, you may lose some mutual friends. That's painful, but you have to respect people's choices about who they stay connected to after a breakup. I had a friend tell me once, "Jomo, when trees leave, the roots leave with them." When someone leaves your life, their connections often go with them. That's just the way it works.
And in church, we see this too. If someone came because of a relationship, they'll leave because of a relationship. If they came because of a calling, they'll only leave when God moves them. Either way, everyone has freedom to make their own choices.
Surround yourself with positive friends
You've heard the saying: you are the average of the people you spend the most time with. That's never more true than when you're going through a transition.
You just left something toxic. Don't walk right into another toxic circle. Stay around people who give you energy and life, people who build you up instead of draining you. You need that right now more than ever.
Drop yourself a note
Write yourself a reminder of who you are. Stick it on the bathroom mirror so you see it every morning.
This is about self-love, and there's nothing selfish about it. Speak kindly to yourself. Treat yourself. You don't need to book a vacation to do it. If the budget's tight, do a staycation. Stay home, light a candle, put your phone away, and just breathe.
Heal the guilt
Breakups almost always come with guilt. What happened? How did we get here? What could I have done differently?
What I've learned to do is treat it like an autopsy. Not to punish yourself, but to understand. Ask the hard questions:
What role did I play in this? What were the contributing factors? What would I never do again? Who was I listening to when I made that decision? Who warned me, and I didn't listen?
There's a great story about this. When Ohio State beat Alabama for the National Championship, Coach Nick Saban actually went to the opposing coach afterward and said, "What did you see in us?" He humbled himself to learn what went wrong. That's what successful people do. They look at the loss and figure out what it's teaching them.
Because if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.
Practice self-forgiveness
This one's for your health, literally. Studies show that self-forgiveness is linked to lower risk of heart attack, lower blood pressure, better cholesterol levels, and reduced anxiety, depression, and stress.
You don't forgive people for their sake. You forgive people for yours. Drop the weight. Stop carrying it.
And while people say "forgive and forget," let's be honest: forgetting is hard. The goal isn't to forget. The goal is to release and not repeat.
"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:32)
Repeat affirmations
I'm an affirmation person, and I do them every single day. What surprised me is that there's actual science behind it. A 2016 study using MRI imaging showed that specific neural pathways become more active when you practice self-affirmation. Your brain literally gets stronger from it.
Our words have power. Scripture says you were fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). You are the image of God. You are a child of God. That person may not have valued you, but your value was never theirs to determine.
Speak it over yourself. Every day.
Allow yourself to rest
You've been through something heavy. You need peace. You need quiet.
Sometimes rest means turning off your phone for 24 hours. How many of us can honestly say we've gone even one full day without checking social media? Try it. Cut it off.
Rest from the internet. Rest from all the opinions and the noise. Sit back, get quiet, and ask God for wisdom and direction. There are so many voices trying to tell you what to do when you're in transition. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is stop listening to all of them and just be still.
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)
Give yourself that time so you can heal. So you can write your affirmations. So you can reflect on where you've been and start walking toward where God is taking you.
Remember: Love, laugh, and learn together.
