The 10 things you should never do to your spouse are cheat on them, compare them to other people, talk down to them, forget about them, dismiss their feelings, put everything else first, try to change them, bring up the past, keep score, and fail to support them. Some of these are obvious. The problem is we still do them without thinking.
Marriage works when two people decide to protect each other on purpose. Most of the damage in a relationship doesn't come from one big blowup. It comes from small habits that pile up until the trust wears thin. So let's knock these out one at a time and talk about how to honor the person you committed to.
Don't cheat on your spouse
This one is obvious, but it has to lead the list. If you are going to be in a committed relationship, you cannot break fellowship and you cannot break camp. Faithfulness is not optional in a healthy marriage. Nobody would ever want this done to them, so don't do it to the person you chose. Before you decide to commit, settle it in your heart that cheating is simply off the table.
Don't compare them to anybody
Comparing your spouse to anyone else is a disaster. Comparing them to a past relationship is worse. Comparing them to your mother is its own kind of trouble. Honor what you have instead of measuring it against what you don't. When you compare, you tell your spouse they are not enough, and you stop seeing the person right in front of you. Focus on who you married, not on who you didn't.
Don't talk down to them
You have to honor your spouse, not disrespect them. The way you speak sets the temperature of the whole house. Talking down to your spouse chips away at their confidence and your connection at the same time, often without you even noticing. Speak to your spouse like someone you respect, because you do.
Don't forget about them
In the middle of work, kids, ministry, and everything else, it is easy to forget the person right beside you. I have done it. You get so locked in on the task that the people closest to you start feeling like an afterthought. Make your spouse feel like the priority, not the leftover. One thing that helps us is a weekly check-in where we line up our priorities for the week. If something matters to one of us, the other one makes it matter too.
Don't dismiss their feelings
I have made mistakes here. I would get so locked in on my own point that I missed what my wife was actually feeling. Here is what I had to learn. You have to validate your spouse's feelings even when you don't share them. Their feelings are real to them. You don't have to agree in order to acknowledge. Dismissing what someone feels is a fast way to make them stop sharing with you at all.
Don't put everything before them
Your job, your friends, your hobbies, your phone. All of it will compete for the spot that belongs to your spouse. Prioritize your marriage in how you spend your time and energy. A relationship can't thrive on leftovers. If your spouse can tell they are at the bottom of your list, that message lands whether you ever say it out loud or not.
Don't try to change them
People don't change much. Dr. Gottman's research says about 70% of the challenges in a relationship will never change. So the difference between a marriage that makes it and one that doesn't is how you work through your differences, not whether you erase them. Here is the part most people miss. The very thing you are trying to change might be your spouse's greatest strength. The strongest couples use each other's strengths to become one unit. You may be the quarterback, but you still need a tackle to protect you. Stop trying to make your spouse a copy of you. God made the two of you different on purpose, because if you were exactly the same, one of you wouldn't be needed.
Don't bring up the past
"I remember when you used to..." That sentence never leads anywhere good. Neither does dragging up old relationships or throwing past mistakes back in your spouse's face. When you chose your spouse, you chose their bags too. If you decide to travel with a person who has a lot of luggage, expect to help carry it. Don't get frustrated about the maintenance on someone you knew was high maintenance when you married them. And here is the harder truth. Sometimes you created the bags. If your choices put cracks in your spouse, those cracks don't vanish the moment you have a change of heart. When there has been a breach of trust, hiding and half-truths only keep the fear alive. Transparency is how you stop re-opening the wound.
Don't keep score
First Corinthians 13 says love keeps no record of wrongs. A lot of us keep a running list of everything our spouse has ever done to us. Forgiveness doesn't mean you forgot. It means you choose not to keep bringing it back up. If you keep living in the past with someone, you can't move into the future with them. And if you truly cannot let it go, that is worth being honest about, because nobody should suffer forever. Forgiveness is a process, and the weight only lifts when the forgiveness is real.
Don't withhold your support
It is hard to stay in a relationship with someone who offers no support, financially, emotionally, or spiritually. You are not going to be great at everything, but you had better bring something to the table. Marriage is a partnership where both people carry weight. If you can't carry the finances in a season, then be a strong emotional and spiritual covering. The Bible warns against being unequally yoked, and part of being yoked together is helping each other pull the load. Ask yourself the honest question, how am I making my spouse's life easier?
What ties all of these together
Look back over the list and you will see a pattern. Faithfulness, honor, attention, validation, priority, acceptance, grace, forgiveness, and support. Almost every one of them comes down to a single question. Am I treating my spouse like the gift they are, or like something I have started taking for granted? You don't have to fix all ten overnight. Pick one. Work on it this week. Then pick another, and watch the atmosphere of your home begin to change.
Common questions
What are the worst things you can do to your spouse?
The most damaging are the ones that break trust and honor: cheating, constant comparison, talking down to them, and keeping a running record of their mistakes. None of these usually happen in one dramatic moment. They build through small, repeated choices until the connection wears thin and the trust gets hard to rebuild.
Should you try to change your spouse?
No. Research suggests about 70% of relationship issues never change because they are tied to who a person is. The trait you want to fix may actually be their strength. Strong couples work through their differences and use each other's strengths instead of trying to turn one spouse into a copy of the other.
Is it okay to bring up the past in an argument?
Generally no. Dragging up old mistakes keeps you stuck and tells your spouse you never really forgave them. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting; it means choosing not to keep raising it. The exception is unresolved hurt that one of you keeps triggering, which calls for honesty and transparency, not a fresh accusation.
What does it mean to keep no record of wrongs?
It comes from 1 Corinthians 13, and it means refusing to maintain a mental list of every offense to pull out later. You can acknowledge that something hurt without weaponizing it forever. When forgiveness is real, the offense stops controlling your reactions, and you free both yourself and your spouse to move forward.
How do you support your spouse in marriage?
Support shows up financially, emotionally, and spiritually, and nobody does all three perfectly. The goal is to carry real weight in at least some of them so your spouse never feels alone in the relationship. Ask how you make their life easier, then do more of that. Partnership means both people are pulling.
Remember: Love, laugh, and learn together.
