Marriage is two people coming together to become one. That sounds beautiful until you realize those two people have different backgrounds, different upbringings, different opinions, and different ways of loading the dishwasher. If you can't find common ground, there's going to be a war in your house.
We've been together long enough that a lot of arguments have run their course. Not because we stopped having opinions, but because we've already figured out where we stand on most things. The longer you're with someone, the more areas you've already settled, and the less energy gets wasted on stuff that doesn't matter.
But here's the thing: some areas never stop requiring compromise. They just evolve. Here are seven of them.
1. Conflict Itself
Before you compromise on anything else, you have to learn how to compromise in the middle of a disagreement. And the first question you should ask yourself when a fight starts heating up is this: is this fight worth the fruit?
If the outcome of winning this argument doesn't actually improve your life or your marriage, it's not worth the energy. Not worth the bad attitude, the silent treatment, or the makeup conversation you'll have to have later. Some things bother you, sure. But not everything that bothers you deserves a full debate.
What's helped us is a simple check-in. Before either of us goes to the mat on something, we ask, "Do you actually care about this?" Half the time the answer is, "Not really. You decide." And that's fine. Not having an opinion on something isn't a problem. It's actually a gift. It means one less thing to argue about.
One important caveat, though: if you tell your spouse to make the decision because you don't care, you cannot come back afterward and criticize what they chose. If you didn't want to be part of the process, you don't get to judge the result. That goes both ways.
Amos 3:3 says, "How can two walk together unless they agree?" The goal is to minimize conflict so you can actually move forward together.
2. Sex
Let's just be direct about it. Intimacy is one of the top three reasons marriages struggle, right alongside finances and communication. And in this area, compromise usually comes down to two things: frequency and creativity.
Frequency is where most couples hit friction. One person wants it more often. The other person has a different rhythm. As you grow together, there will be seasons where the desire levels don't match. That's normal. Nobody should be keeping a scorecard. What matters is that when you do come together, both people walk away glad they did. Two happy people. That's the standard.
On the creativity side, physical limitations are real. An injured knee, a bad shoulder, flexibility issues, health challenges. We've been through all of it. There was a time when one of us had a leg in an immobilizer and the other had a shoulder in a sling. You know what happened? We figured it out. You're a smart, creative person. You can make it work. Don't let physical limitations become an excuse to stop connecting physically.
And if the hesitation isn't physical but emotional, if it's a self-esteem issue or a comfort level thing, talk through it. That's the kind of conversation that brings you closer when handled with love instead of pressure.
3. Finances
This is the big one. Money causes more arguments in marriages than almost anything else.
In most relationships, you'll have a saver and a spender. Neither one is wrong. The saver keeps you from going broke. The spender keeps life from being miserable. The problem comes when neither one understands the other's perspective.
What worked for us early on, when money was tight, was setting a budget together. We identified what each of us needed (hair, personal items, small things that mattered to each of us), set a realistic number, and stayed within it. As our financial situation improved, we adjusted. But the principle stayed the same: agree on the limits before the spending starts.
Here's a framework that helped: identify where you are financially. Are you at "not enough," "just enough," or "more than enough"? Whatever stage you're in, the goal is to never go backward. Keep growing. And while you're in the grind season, prioritize needs over wants. Once you've built savings and breathing room, start layering in the extras.
One area couples don't talk about enough is spending on kids. Sports, extracurricular activities, instrument lessons, school events, senior year expenses. Kids are expensive, and both spouses need to be in full agreement about what's realistic. If one parent signs the child up for travel baseball and the other doesn't know until the bill arrives, that's a problem. Get on the same page before the money leaves the account.
4. Hobbies
Golf, pickleball, gaming, crafting, whatever your thing is. Hobbies are healthy. They give you space, creativity, and something that's just yours. But a hobby that hijacks your relationship isn't a hobby anymore. It's an escape.
The same applies to careers. Some people pour everything into work, chasing a promotion or building something, and their marriage starves in the process. You can't build a career and lose a family and call it a win.
The compromise here is time allocation. How many hours a week is reasonable for this hobby? Does my spouse feel like they're getting the leftovers while the hobby gets my best energy? Those are honest questions, and they deserve honest answers.
5. Parenting
Different discipline styles will create tension in any marriage. One parent thinks a conversation is enough. The other thinks stronger consequences are needed. One parent is permissive. The other is strict. And kids are smart enough to figure out which parent to go to for the answer they want.
The key is to present a united front, even when you disagree behind closed doors. Hash out your differences in private. Come to an agreement. Then stand together in front of the kids. Nothing destabilizes a child faster than parents who are openly contradicting each other on discipline.
Every child is different, so what works for one might not work for another. Stay flexible, keep communicating, and remember that the point isn't to be right about parenting. It's to raise kids together who feel loved, safe, and guided.
6. Time
How you spend your time is one of the clearest indicators of what you actually value. And in a marriage, time is the currency of connection.
One person might think quality time means watching a show together on the couch. The other might think it means putting the phones away and having a real conversation. You can be in the same room all day and one of you might still feel like you didn't spend any time together, because your definitions of "quality" are different.
The fix is simple but not easy: define quality time together and then protect it. Put it on the calendar. Treat it like an appointment that can't be moved. Because if you don't schedule time for your marriage, everything else will fill the space.
Date nights don't have to be expensive. Get creative. Cook together, take a walk, sit on the porch. The point isn't the activity. The point is attention, undivided and intentional.
7. Faith
This is the one that surprised us the most when we were earlier in our marriage, and it might surprise you too.
You'd think two people who both love God would automatically agree on everything related to church. But that's not how it works. Which church do we attend? How much do we give? Do we serve in ministry, and if so, how much? These are real conversations that require real compromise.
There was a season after we moved to Tampa where we were attending a church recommended by our former pastor, and honestly, Charmaine didn't like it. The teaching wasn't feeding her. The children's ministry didn't feel right. It felt like torture going on Sunday mornings. Some weeks she would just say, "I'm not going," and Jomo would go alone.
That was hard. Nobody wants to go to church without their spouse. But in hindsight, Jomo sticking to his commitment to be in God's house was the right call, and a lot of what Charmaine was feeling turned out to be legitimate. We both saw the issues. We just didn't have a better answer at the time.
Eventually, we found a different church and learned a lot from both experiences. We learned what not to do as much as what to do, and those lessons shaped how we approach ministry today.
The Bible says not to be unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14), and that principle applies within a marriage too. If one spouse is pulling toward deeper faith and the other is pulling away, that tension will touch everything else. Find a way to walk together spiritually, even if the details of how you do it require some negotiation.
Finding Common Ground Is the Goal
Conflict is normal. Disagreement is normal. Two different people with two different brains will see the world differently, and that's not a flaw in your marriage. It's the design.
The goal isn't to eliminate differences. It's to find where you overlap and move forward from there. You're not going to think the same way about everything, and that's fine. But there's always common ground if you look for it, and when you invite God into that space, everything gets better.
One thing worth remembering: your spouse is God's people too. Whatever grace and patience you extend to the people you serve at work, at church, or in ministry, make sure your spouse gets that same energy. They deserve it more than anyone.
Remember: Love, laugh, and learn together.
