Chapter 3: Things No One Ever Tells You About Marriage

"A husband and wife may disagree on many things, but they must absolutely agree on this: to never, ever give up." – Unknown

When Charmaine and I were getting married, I thought I knew what to expect. In reality, I had no idea what I was getting into. It wasn't long until I began thinking of our marriage as similar to a newborn. We were pooping and peeing in our diapers while waiting to be breastfed every few hours. There are so many things that I wish I had known when we started our marriage. That's why I created a cheat sheet for you.

• Personal growth and maturity must be like breathing for you and your spouse if you want your marriage to grow.
• Even the most loving marriage is hard work. It takes effort from both spouses to have a successful marriage. When kids and life happen—it's easy to slip into "partners in business mode." In challenging times, you both must be intentional about loving each other more.
• The little things matter. Encourage each other with words of affirmation, hugs, kisses, quality time, gifts, and small gestures to show how you prioritize them in your day.
• Always put your relationship with the Lord first and foremost.
• The only person you can change is yourself. Allow God to work on your spouse.
• In marriage, you will have the opportunity to earn a Ph.D. in apologizing and forgiving. No one is perfect, including you. Allow space in your marriage for your spouse to grow in areas of weakness. And learn to manage the things that aren't going to change. Remember, your spouse will also have to learn how to manage yours.
• Marriage requires maintenance. Always make time in the year for vacations together, marriage conferences, marriage classes, and couples' Bible studies. Your marriage must be tended to like a fire in the fireplace so that it will keep burning well.

That's my two cents.

Key Point: After Marriage Came the Attack

The devil is not after your marriage specifically. He is afraid of what your union can produce. God created us with the perfect unity of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit working in concert. Unity produces fruit. We are more productive together. The key to the devil's attack on marriages is to get couples out of alignment since a lack of unity makes it nearly impossible to produce. Matthew 18:19 (AMP) shows us this.

"Again, I say to you, that if two believers on Earth agree [that is, are of one mind, in harmony] about anything that they ask [within the will of God], it will be done for them by My Father in heaven."

People often think that after the wedding ceremony, they'll be in a never-ending honeymoon stage. Marriage only begins when we don't feel like loving each other or putting in the effort needed to maintain what we said we wanted. After the marriage occurs, the attacks attempt to weaken the relationship. So, we must be mindful of things on the horizon trying to destroy our marriage. In this chapter, we will examine some of the more unexpected ones.

Eight Unexpected Truths About Marriage

1. Your Last Name May Be the Biggest Change You See

The reality is that people stay mostly the same. Often, huge changes come after life-altering experiences, God-like conversions, or traumatic episodes. Barring these things, you get what you got. The problem is that many people get into relationships thinking they can change someone. If that's you, there will likely be a lot of disappointment in your future.

REMEMBER: You get your spouse "as is."

2. Marriage Is Not Just About the Couple

It's about extended families, too. In ancient times, marriage was about kingdoms and alliances for power. So, marriages were less about the individuals and more about their family ties. The same holds true today. You not only marry your spouse; you marry their family as well. Remember to bring grace to family reunions because you will need it. Everyone's marriage has unexpected family baggage; now is the time to face it.

REMEMBER: Your spouse is a package deal.

3. You Marry Their Decision-Making Process

You are not only marrying a person; you are marrying their decision-making process, too. Their process will become part of your life. Be sure to understand how this person comes to a decision. Ask questions. Observe trends and patterns. Become aware of their wants, needs, desires, and deficiencies to understand what drives their choices.

REMEMBER: You marry their history, their family, and their habits.

4. Expect "In Sickness and Health" to Be Challenged

Throughout my marriage to Charmaine, I have undergone two knee reconstruction surgeries, each requiring over six months of rehab to heal. I've also had back-to-back ankle and shoulder surgeries, which took another six months of therapy. In addition, I've had to endure multiple surgeries and chemotherapy treatments for cancer. Charmaine never expected so much "sickness" when we made our wedding vows, but she went along for the ride. Marriage will challenge your commitment level to each other.

REMEMBER: "For worse" was part of your vows, too.

5. Embrace the Differences, Don't Fight Them

We are made different because we have different purposes to fulfill on Earth. There was a time when I asked God to change Charmaine because she was 'too much.' Too much mouth, too much attitude, too strong-willed. God told me He made her perfect for His purpose, not mine. At that point, I stopped talking to God about her and focused my attention where it should be -- on me. Remember, the only person you can change in a relationship is you. Embrace your spouse's differences as added features that you don't have. Think about this:

• God made male and female, which means there were intended differences.
• We cannot multiply if we are not different.
• If we are not different, then something is wrong.
• We married them because they were different; we are attracted to the difference.
• The devil's goal is to amplify our differences.

REMEMBER: The goal is to complete each other and not compete with each other.

6. At Times, You Will Have to Agree to Disagree

The reality of marriage is if you make a good decision, you should have respect and honor for your mate. That said, you did not marry your twin. You married an independent human being with their own ideas and mindsets. Sometimes you won't see eye to eye, but you must learn to disagree and not be disagreeable.

Too many couples allow minor disagreements to infect other areas of their relationships. Remind yourself in tough situations that your spouse does not have a problem with you but with your decision. Don't allow a poor choice to disturb your peace. Address the issue, decide on a more acceptable approach or healthy compromise for the future, and keep it moving.

REMEMBER: You will disagree, but you don't have to be disagreeable.

7. Commit to Dating Your Wife for Life

Once they've secured the relationship, a common mistake many couples make is that they stop doing the things that brought them together in the first place.

Understand that to keep the sparks flying; you must keep the flames of love alive. Never stop trying to win your spouse over -- take care of yourself. Never get so comfortable in your marriage that you stop trying to be your best. Don't present yourself better single than you do after you are married.

REMEMBER: You reap what you sow.

8. Pet Peeves Are Real and Manageable

Your spouse will do things you hate, and you will get over it if you want to have a long-term relationship. Once you live with someone for an extended period, you start to see their little quirks. For instance, I get up at all times of the night to brush my teeth, and I even count the number of deodorant strokes I put on. There was a time when Charmaine would try to distract me so I would lose count. These things can seem weird, but it makes perfect sense to the person doing them. Charmaine has learned to ignore most of them, so what started as irritants have now been reduced to running jokes.

REMEMBER: Don't sweat the small stuff.

Common Marriage Myths

The following statements are some common myths surrounding marriage. The reality can often be quite different.

1. "The Family That Prays Together Stays Together"

While prayer is a wonderful thing that we should do regularly, we must put work into the marriage for it to survive. Just as faith without works is dead, a marriage without consistent, joint effort will become dull and lifeless. It risks starting to feel more like a job than a joy.

REMEMBER: God expects you to play your part, too.

2. "Marriage Is Easy"

For two to become one, something must die. Both people must make sacrifices to turn an immature relationship into a mature one. All of us, by nature, are selfish. We want what we want when we want it, but we must diminish that part of us for a marriage to succeed.

3. "Love Is a Feeling"

We must graduate from our feelings into the "work" of marriage. We won't always feel it, but most of our ideas and actions should go toward making our love a success.

4. "If I Do Right, My Partner Will Also"

I have led numerous Divorce Care classes at my church. I see so many guilt-ridden people who feel burdened by the failure of their marriages, but I'd like to tell all those people that they may only be halfway responsible. It won't matter how much effort one spouse puts into the marriage if the other spouse doesn't invest in the relationship. The responsibility for the marriage's success rests on both people.

5. "We Have to Be Alike and Do the Same Things"

Your differences were once attractive to you. It may or may not be true that common interests keep people together, but how you do things together is what matters. Many couples in successful marriages don't share common interests, but they respect their differences. Doing this helps them grow as individuals by allowing them to learn new things. For example, Charmaine accompanies me to sporting events, and I join her for painting classes. We wouldn't normally do these activities independently, but we have learned to appreciate and enjoy doing them together.

6. "Love and Respect Go Hand-in-Hand"

People are often perplexed when I say there's a huge difference between love and respect. I've frequently asked people in abusive relationships if they love their partner. They say, "yes". But when I ask if they respect their partner, they say "no." To have a healthy, successful relationship, you must have both love and respect to thrive.

7. "God Wants Me to Be Happy in My Marriage"

God generally does not desire marriage to be stressful, discordant, or full of strife. However, there have been instances in the Bible where God intentionally arranged uncomfortable unions to play out a greater plan. For example, in the story of Hosea, God told Hosea, who had been very faithful in serving the Lord, to take an unrepentant prostitute as a wife. She betrayed the marriage vows several times, but each time, God told Hosea not to abandon her. God expected Hosea to forgive her and repair their union.

Hosea 1:2-9 (MSG) reads, "The first time God spoke to Hosea he said: 'Find a whore and marry her. Make this whore the mother of your children. And here's why: This whole country has become a whorehouse, unfaithful to me, God.' Hosea did it. He picked Gomer, daughter of Diblaim. She got pregnant and gave him a son... Gomer got pregnant again. This time she had a daughter... After Gomer had weaned No-Mercy, she got pregnant yet again and had a son."

Even after having several children with her husband, Gomer still ran away from Hosea, returning to her old life and bad habits. Hosea wanted to break all ties with her and turn her over to her reckless lifestyle, but God insisted that Hosea remain married and loving to his wife for a greater purpose to be fulfilled.

Hosea obeyed so that God's forgiveness for the people of Israel could be demonstrated and personified through his marriage to Gomer. God wanted it known that even though the people of Israel committed great sins and showed disregard for their relationship with Him, He was still willing to forgive and love them as deeply as He did before.

Hosea 3:1-3 (MSG) reads, "Then God ordered me, 'Start all over: Love your wife again, your wife who's in bed with her latest boyfriend, your cheating wife. Love her the way I, God, love the Israelite people, even as they flirt and party with every god that takes their fancy.' I did it...Then I told her, 'From now on, you're living with me. No more whoring, no more sleeping around.'"

The Bible speaks of abandonment and adultery as valid reasons for divorce. In my opinion, I don't believe God wants anyone to be physically and emotionally abused, so prayerfully consider your options if safety is a concern.

Expect the Unexpected

Marriage is like a roller coaster ride you have never been on. The first time I rode the Hulk at Universal Studios in Orlando, I was not ready to be shot out like a cannon. It was amazing, but I was not prepared. Eventually, they had to slow the ride down because too many people were getting whiplash. Marriage is much like that -- people are not ready for the unpredictable twists and turns. Expect the unexpected and be quick to adapt to the new.