Chapter 7: Managing Expectations

"You often hear it said that people have bad marriages, but in fact, this is not true. Marriage is a God instituted covenant between a man and a woman, and it is good. That has never changed. The institution hasn't failed – people are failing to work out their problems. Couples are simply giving up and walking away, or simply have no idea what they can try next. The good news is that even "soured" relationships can be healed. Things can change. People can change. Marriages can be better than they ever were before."–Karen M. Gray–

We can't tell you how many young couples we've spoken with who get married without discussing essential expectations first. Then, after they have married, they come back to us in shock and sadness that they are not on the same page with their spouse!

When you are young and in love, the word "expectations" is not something that's typically at the forefront of your mind. You are madly in love with you your spouse or spouse-to-be, and you figure that living together will be bliss. But while living with and doing life alongside another person, things get real very quickly. You get to know that person better than ever before, inside and out. Part of that is learning the intimate details of their wants and needs in any given situation. Here is where our expectations come into play.

Who do you expect to handle the bills? How often do you expect to have sex? How much time does each person expect to spend doing their own thing, and how much time do you expect to spend with one another? How about seeing family on the holidays? How does each of you feel about boundaries in your home?

These are all questions that are going to come up within your marriage. It would serve you well to speak on these things beforehand so that you aren't blindsided by them when they arrive (the expectations I mean, not the in-laws!)

These expectations don't have to diminish the intense love you have for one another. Living with one another can still be bliss! But it takes some thought and preparation beforehand, just like anything else worth striving for. You can't go into it without truly and deeply investing in one another to the point where you are prepared to meet the other's unique needs in the way that will serve them best.

Biblical Example: When Expectations are Broken

Hosea's love story and marriage with Gomer is an example of forgiveness and compassion when expectations are broken. Despite sin, deceit, and broken trust, people can restore their relationships with God's love and guidance.

Now, in marriage, a non-negotiable and obvious expectation is that both partners will remain faithful to one another, right? In the book of Hosea, we meet Hosea and Gomer. Hosea was instructed by God to marry Gomer, who turned out to be a promiscuous woman. Eventually, Gomer committed adultery, leaving Hosea heartbroken. One of the biggest and most crucial marriage expectations was not held, and as you can imagine, it left Hosea feeling lost and hurt.

Hosea had every right and reason to divorce Gomer on the spot. While the Bible doesn't condone divorce, it does make the one exception of marital unfaithfulness. But Hosea decides to walk in the way of the Lord and show extraordinary love, grace, and mercy. Hosea takes Gomer back into his life with renewed trust and forgiveness. This story tells us that even when expectations are broken in a relationship and conflict ensues, with forgiveness and love, restoration is possible.

God, the Ultimate Provider of all our Needs

This message of forgiveness, love, and grace is so important because no matter how much you love your spouse, they aren't perfect! They will let you down at some point, as you will to them. It may not be as extreme as the case with Hosea and Gomer (at least I hope not!), but it will still happen, nonetheless.

In these times, forgiveness can be hard, I get it. But you must practice forgiveness, nonetheless. Show your spouse the love and mercy that Christ has shown to you. And while you are forgiving them, remember that God is ultimately the provider of all of your needs. He can bring you fulfillment, happiness, and peace in a way that even your spouse never could. That's why your relationship must involve Him. You and your spouse will meet each other's needs but ultimately rely on God for true and lasting satisfaction.

The Bible assures us that we can trust in God to take care of us in every way imaginable. Philippians 4:19 says, "God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." Notice the wording here? ALL your needs. Not SOME of your needs, but ALL of them. God loves to take care of His children, and you can trust that He will do so for you and your spouse.

A worldview shift is essential. Matthew 6:33 says, "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." If we keep our eyes focused on God's Kingdom and the eternity that He is leading us to, the conflicts that arise in our marriage will seem that much smaller and when our expectations are broken, they will be that much easier to forgive.

Reflection Questions:

Why are expectations important? Have you spoken about expectations in your relationship?

How are we to respond when expectations are broken in marriage? When we respond as Christ would, how does it bring immense healing to our marriage?

Action Tips:

If you haven't already, through prayer, sit down with your spouse and make a list of healthy and godly expectations for your marriage. Make sure they are mutual and created through a posture of prayer. Commit to holding one another accountable for these expectations.

Scripture for Prayer and Reflection:

Hebrews 13:4: "Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery."

Ephesians 4:2-3: "Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace."

Prayer

Lord, come into our marriage and help us to manage expectations in a healthy way. Teach us how to be open and honest with one another about our wants and needs without judgment. As we do, fill us with patience, love, and gentleness toward one another. Amen.