How to Talk to a Loved One About Their Weight
Don't Shame Them
"Man, you gained a lot of weight." "Look at how your clothes don't fit!" "Your clothes are falling off, you need to gain some weight."
Don't approach the topic in this way because it will only shame them and start off the conversation in a negative light. You don't want to be aggressive in your wording or tone where they become defensive, shamed, insulted, or put down.
Don't Force the Issue
If they don't want to talk about it, then don't talk about it. You don't want to push the issue if they're refusing to respond.
Don't Frame the Discussion Around Food or Weight
Instead, frame it around your concern for their health. Don't focus on their weight or diet but rather approach the topic from a medical and health perspective that's based on studies saying that weighing too much or too little is not good for their longevity.
Don't Offer Your Weight Loss Tips
Whether it's portioning their meals better or drinking more water, it can come off as offensive and hurtful to constantly give them suggestions on how to lose or gain weight, especially since they've probably already researched it themselves.
Don't Be the Food Monitor
"You're getting a second slice of cake?" "You put that much food on your plate?" "You're only having a salad?"
Don't monitor how much or how little food they're taking. Don't talk to them about what they're eating while they're eating it. Food shaming is not the way to approach this topic. Don't be their fitness coach.
Do Remember That They Have Feelings
Also, remember that they may have a bigger issue than just diet and exercise. It could be a medical concern that hasn't been addressed. Don't body and food shame them when the issue might actually be medical.
Do Speak About Health and Feelings
You don't want to talk about their diet or weight – you want to talk about their health and feelings because some people might be in this situation because they're dealing with depression, stress, or another medical issue.
Do Speak the Truth and Love
Make sure that your words and tone of voice speak the truth from the perspective of love. For example:
"Hey babe, I love you and my concern is your longevity. I want to get to a certain age, travel, be active, and do all sorts of things. So, the reason why I'm trying to communicate with you is not because of now but because of 10, 20, or 30 years from now. I want to focus on our health now to make a downpayment on our future together."
Do Use Empathy
Be considerate and understanding because their situation may have changed, especially if you're a man and your wife just had a baby. Don't talk about her body if it's just gone through the insane process of creating, growing, and birthing a child because the last thing they want to hear is how their body isn't the same. Give your wife time to get back to her normal self. In general, you should look beyond their weight and see your partner for who they are – don't make their weight bigger than everything else in the relationship.
Common Questions
How do you talk to a loved one about their weight without hurting them?
Lead with love and frame it around health and longevity, not appearance. Avoid shaming language, food monitoring, and unsolicited diet tips. Try something like, "I love you and I want us active and traveling 20 years from now." Speak the truth from a place of love, and use empathy.
What should you never say to someone about their weight?
Skip shaming lines like "you've gained a lot of weight" or "your clothes don't fit," and stop monitoring their plate with comments like "a second slice?" That language breeds defensiveness and shame. Don't be their food monitor or fitness coach. Remember they have feelings, and the cause may be medical.
How do I bring up health with my wife after she's had a baby?
With great care. Her body just went through the work of creating and birthing a child, and the last thing she needs to hear is that it has changed. Give her time to recover, use empathy, and see her for who she is rather than making her weight bigger than everything else.
Should you give your partner weight loss tips?
No. Constant suggestions about portions or drinking more water usually land as offensive, since they have likely researched it already. The cause may also be medical, like depression or stress, rather than diet or willpower. Focus on their health and feelings, and let a doctor handle the specifics.
