Communication is everything in marriage. It can build your spouse up or tear them down. It can create intimacy or drive a wedge between you. Proverbs 18:21 says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue."
Your words matter. How you say them matters even more.
After nearly 30 years together, we've learned that communication isn't just about talking. It's about understanding different styles, recognizing nonverbal cues, healing from hurt places, and speaking prophetically over your marriage.
Today, we're diving deep into communication. This isn't surface-level advice. This is the real work that transforms marriages from the inside out.
The State of Marriage Today
Before we go further, let's acknowledge the reality: marriage is under full assault.
The statistics are sobering. In the African American context, only 34% are currently married (the lowest of all demographics). 29% of women will never get married. 30% of men who could be married don't want to be married.
Marriage is becoming the exception, not the norm. And if we want our marriages to survive and thrive, we have to be intentional about how we communicate.
The Power of Words: Building Up vs. Tearing Down
Proverbs 31:26 says, "She opens her mouth in skillful and godly wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue, giving counsel and instruction."
That's the ideal. Words that build, encourage, and strengthen.
But Proverbs 14:1 warns, "The wise woman builds her house on a foundation of godly precepts, and her household thrives. But the foolish one who lacks spiritual insight tears it down with her own hands by ignoring godly principles."
A man will run through a wall with the right words. He'll run and sit on top of the roof with the wrong words.
Your communication style doesn't just affect conversations. It affects the entire atmosphere of your home.
Understanding Different Communication Styles
When two people come together in marriage, they bring different frames of reference. Different upbringings. Different ways of processing conflict.
Example from our marriage:
One spouse came from a loud, verbose, confrontational household. They addressed issues head-on. They were aggressive in nature. That was normal.
The other spouse came from a quiet, reserved household. Conflict was avoided. Silence was the default.
What happens when these two styles collide? Chaos. Misunderstanding. Hurt feelings. Neither person is wrong. They're just different.
The key is recognizing these differences and learning to adapt.
If you don't unpack the bags you brought into marriage (your past experiences, your family patterns, your trauma), you're going to have ongoing issues.
The Silent Killer: Nonverbal Communication
A lot of times, we communicate without saying anything. Nonverbal communication can speak louder than words.
Examples of negative nonverbal communication:
1. Facial Expressions
- Rolling your eyes
- Pursing your lips
- Scrunching your eyes
- Smirking or sneering
Your spouse hasn't even opened their mouth yet, but you already know they're mad. You see that look and think, "Nothing good is about to come out of this. Go the other way, brother."
2. Gestures
- Crossing your arms (defensive, closed off)
- Putting hands on hips (aggressive stance)
- Pointing fingers
- Waving hands dismissively
Even without hearing the conversation, people watching can tell there's conflict.
3. Tone and Loudness
"It's just your tone."
How many times have you heard that? And maybe you thought, "No, it's not my tone. You just don't like what I'm saying."
But here's the truth: tone is subjective to every person, and you need to figure out what your spouse hears as disrespectful or harsh.
What sounds normal to you based on your upbringing might sound aggressive to your spouse.
4. Body Language
- Getting right in their face (aggressive, combative)
- Standing at the door while they're in the kitchen (ready to flee)
- Turning your back on them mid-conversation
- Invading personal space
These physical cues communicate defensiveness, aggression, or disengagement.
5. Eye Contact (or Lack Thereof)
Rolling your eyes while someone's talking can throw them completely off.
"What? What was that look? Just finish what you were trying to say. I can't even continue this conversation until you define that face. Because I know that face. The last time I saw that face, I didn't eat for a while."
Nonverbal cues are powerful. And sometimes, they're misread.
The Danger of Misreading Nonverbal Communication
Sometimes your spouse has had a bad day at work. Or something happened on the road. Or they're worried about one of the kids.
They're not mad at you. They're processing something else. But you look over, misread the facial expression, and suddenly you have an attitude.
Now you're mirroring their energy. You're both frustrated. And neither of you is asking, "What's wrong? How can I help? Is everything okay?"
Instead of assuming, just ask.
Don't create conflict where none exists. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.
Hearing From Hurt Places
This is one of the most critical concepts in marriage communication: When you've been hurt, you filter everything through that pain.
Even if your current spouse hasn't hurt you, there's a trigger based on past trauma that's creating present drama.
Example:
A husband comes home ready to talk. "Can we just talk?"
The wife responds, "No. You know what you did."
He's confused. "Can we just communicate? Let's pray."
But she's already shut down. Why? Because she's hearing from a hurt place.
When you've been hurt, all you hear is:
- "He's lying."
- "I can't trust him."
- "I have nothing to stand on in this relationship."
You're not hearing anything positive. You're not seeing anything positive. Even genuine attempts at connection get filtered through suspicion and pain.
The root issue? You never healed from your last relationship. You told yourself, "Nobody will ever hurt me like that again."
So you came into this new relationship with armor on. Guarded. Defensive. Ready to strike first.
But here's the problem: You can't give your spouse all of yourself if you're not ready. And taking the armor off makes you vulnerable to being hurt again.
But you will never get all God has for you if you can't be transparent.
If Jesus had only focused on his Judas, he never would have met his John. Don't be so vindictive toward everyone because of one person's betrayal.
Trust God in the process.
The Mirror, Window, Microscope Principle
Before you confront your spouse, do this three-step process:
Step 1: Look in the Mirror
Ask yourself: "Lord, is it me?"
Before you go at your spouse with accusations and complaints, check yourself. It could be you. You might be the problem.
Step 2: Look Through the Window (Their Perspective)
Before you put your mouth on it, consider: How is she seeing this? How is he experiencing this?
The true measure of genius is the ability to see both sides before making a decision. True wisdom is the ability to reason.
Ask yourself:
- Can I see their side?
- Do they have a point?
- Am I being selfish?
Step 3: Use the Microscope (Deep Self-Examination)
Look at yourself even deeper. Why? Because the only person you can change is you.
Focus on you. We're all going to stand before a righteous God one day. He's not going to ask about your spouse. He's going to ask about you.
What did you do? How did you love? How did you serve?
The Prescription: 6 Biblical Communication Principles
1. Speak in Love (Ephesians 4:15)
"Speaking the truth in love to one another, we grow to become in every respect a mature body."
Truth without love is harsh. Love without truth is weak. You need both.
2. Use Words to Build Up, Not Tear Down
Ask yourself before you speak: "Can I communicate with my spouse right now without hurting them?"
Sometimes you're not ready to talk because you're about to tear everything up.
Here's a warning for men: If you say something you don't mean in anger, you're going to hear about it until Jesus comes back. So remember the four P's:
- Pause
- Ponder
- Pray
- Proceed
Before you say something stupid, slow down.
3. Let Your Words Be Full of Grace (Colossians 4:6)
"Let your conversation always be full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."
Grace-filled communication doesn't mean you avoid hard topics. It means you approach them with kindness and wisdom.
4. Trust God With Your Words
Have you put your words through God's filter?
"Lord, help me communicate with this woman."
In the early years of marriage, one spouse prayed, "Lord, change her. She's disrespectful. She's rude. She talks too fast. I can't think quick enough."
But God's response was, "What about you? What are you willing to change?"
5. Be Quick to Listen, Slow to Speak (James 1:19-20)
"Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to wrath. For the wrath of man doesn't lead to the righteousness of God."
When you get angry, you're never going to be righteous in God's eyes. You're not going to win.
6. Respond With Gentleness (Proverbs 15:1)
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger."
Gentleness defuses conflict. Harshness escalates it.
Understanding Gender Communication Differences
Here's a scientific fact: Women process communication faster than men.
In the womb, when testosterone kicks in for males, the connection between the right and left hemispheres of the brain begins to separate. Women's hemispheres stay more connected, allowing them to multitask and process multiple streams of information simultaneously.
Men, on the other hand, are wired to focus on one thing at a time.
Practical example:
When you talk to a man while he's reading or watching TV, he can't hear you. He's not ignoring you on purpose. His brain is fully engaged in what he's doing. His processor is still buffering.
So next time your husband is watching TV and you say, "Babe, do you want some dinner?" and he doesn't answer, it's not because he doesn't care. It's because he literally didn't process what you said.
How do you work with this difference instead of against it?
Get his attention first. "Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?" Wait for him to pause what he's doing and turn toward you. Then speak.
Don't expect him to multitask the way you do. He's not built that way.
Speaking Prophetically Over Your Marriage: The Power of Ezekiel 37
Ezekiel 37 tells the story of the valley of dry bones. God asks Ezekiel, "Can these bones live?"
Ezekiel responds, "Only you know, Lord."
Then God says, "Speak a prophetic message to these bones."
And as Ezekiel speaks, there's a rattling. The bones come together. Flesh forms. Skin covers them. But they still have no breath.
So God tells Ezekiel, "Speak again. Breathe into them."
And when he does, the breath of life enters, and they stand as a living army.
Here's the application for your marriage:
Some of you are sitting in a valley of dry bones right now. Your marriage feels dead. Scattered. Lifeless.
You've told yourself, "If this doesn't work tonight, I'm done. I'm not going to keep trying."
But God is telling you: Speak a prophetic word over your marriage.
He's not done with you yet.
James 2:26 says, "Faith without works is dead."
God is going to do what God is going to do. But He needs you to have faith in your marriage too. It doesn't take just God working on your marriage. It takes both of you coming together and believing God can do it.
Maybe you've already been praying and speaking over your marriage, and things are better but not whole.
God is saying, "Go back and speak another prophetic word. Breathe on it again."
Your marriage needs your breath. Your faith. Your words.
Speak life over your husband. Speak life over your wife. God will not return void what He has spoken over you.
The Communication Challenge: Speak Life
Here's your challenge this week:
- Look in the mirror first. Before you confront your spouse, ask yourself, "Is it me?"
- Look through their window. Try to see the situation from their perspective.
- Use the microscope on yourself. Do deep self-examination.
- Speak words that build up, not tear down. Use the four P's: Pause, Ponder, Pray, Proceed.
- Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.
- Respond with gentleness, even when you want to lash out.
- Speak prophetically over your marriage. Don't just complain about what's wrong. Declare what God says is possible.
Final Prayer: Breathe Life Into Your Marriage
If you're married, grab your spouse's hand right now. If you're reading alone, hold your hands up to God.
Pray this with me:
Father God, I thank You for the gift You've given me. Lord, help me to be the best version of me that reflects You. Let my relationship be the overflow of my relationship with You.
Lord, draw me closer. Less of me, more of You. Give me a servant's heart. Let me reflect Your grace, Your mercy, Your patience, Your longsuffering.
Lord, let me bring joy, not pain. Let me forgive again so I can live again. Lord, let my marriage reflect Your kingdom.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
Your marriage doesn't have to stay in the valley of dry bones. Speak life. Breathe life. Watch God do the rest.
Remember: Love, laugh, and learn together. Your words have power. Use them wisely.
